By Sally Hansen
“Life is grey and hopeless.”
This is the opinion of local 32-year-old Charlie Kaplan. Charlie is a manager at Huntington Bank. He is one of many Clevelanders to have been affected by the lack of sunlight for eight months of every year.
“We live in grey, miserable, condemned world. Nobody cares about anybody, music is terrible, cities are polluted and politicians are so dumb you can’t even hate them anymore. “
Kaplan has a wife and three loving gerbils, but even those aren’t enough to brighten his spirits.
In attempt to “feel something,” Kaplan started experimenting with his life. Starting small, he began sticking thumbtacks in his hand and starting small fires in trash cans, just to feel a little in control. He then tried binge eating, attempting to cover his apathy with high-fructose corn syrup and cholesterol.
Unsuccessful, Kaplan then began attending a series of support group meetings. We are told that Kaplan even considered alcoholism briefly, but he lacked the physical constitution and got too sleepy after shot number three.
After numerous unsuccessful attempts to animate his life, Kaplan considered giving up. To his very good fortune, Kaplan learned of an underground fight club while eavesdropping on a conversation. Kaplan subsequently joined said fight club in an alley behind a dumpster in an alley.
Kaplan says he is now filled with purpose. He still goes to work everyday, but only if his tie is tied around his neck a little too tightly.
“I’ve proven that I’m alive! I finally feel something!” Kaplan added, “You should try it,” after sizing up our reporter.
In completely unrelated news, police have been investigating the actions of an initiative called “Project Mayhem.” More on that story as we learn more information.