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Linguistics professors reach shocking consensus on pronunciation of CWRU

Karol Kalinski

In this week’s edition of The Daily, Professor Trey Kia of the Case Western Reserve University Cognitive Linguistics department issued a public announcement on the pronunciation of the letters used to abbreviate the university’s name.

“After many months of research, we can now conclusively say that CWRU cannot, in fact, be pronounced ‘crew,’” Kia said. “We’ve been wondering for a long time about this issue in particular. There’s always been something wrong with it in our eyes, but we’ve never quite gotten around to reaching a sound, scientific conclusion on the matter until now.”

 

What may seem like a matter of personal preference and individual verbal nuance has now been proven with the principles of oral science.

 

“The fact of the matter is that all the little phonemes and morphemes and things just don’t really work out,” Kia said. “When a subject says ‘CWRU’ in this incorrect way, the lip and tongue bits don’t move in a way that corresponds to the spelling. We’ve seen this kind of linguistic error before, and we’ve started calling it ‘acronymbatics.’ It’s this thing where the speaker tries make something into an acronym when it’s really just an initialism. We think that Barbara Snyder really just kind of tried to force this one.”

 

The university will, in the coming months, begin a revision of its event-naming scheme, replacing names like “CWRUchella” with new, linguistically sound names. Current community suggestions include, “something less dumb” and “literally anything else please.”

 

The study appears to be creating ripples around the globe, as broadcast agencies like BBC and ESPN will be undergoing brand revisions in an effort to fix their names, which have to date been pronounced “bubuk” and “epson,” respectively.

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