Countries ranked by their “Americanness”

Eric Polhemus

10: Japan: Japan’s commitment to selling everything possible in a vending machine earns it a place on this list.

9: Iraq: Look, we’re trying, OK?

8: Mexico: Mexico should be somewhere on this list. Why not #8?

7: Sparta: “300” was a documentary, right?

6: Canada: Almost as  American as America, but they talk funny.

5: America: America is pretty American, about halfway there.

4: China: China is beating us at everything–even being American.

3: Australia: A former British colony that has major cities on both coasts and a whole lot of dry space in between, plus a native population that was brutally murdered and then kinda forgotten about.

2: Sealand: When it comes to declaring independence from the British, no one does it better than America, except for Sealand. This tiny naval fort situated just off the British Coast drafted its own constitution in 1975. When the Prime Minister of Sealand sent mercenaries to kidnap Prince Bates, he was held hostage by his target until Germany sent a diplomat to resolve the crisis. Bates claimed this visit was recognition by Germany of Sealand’s sovereignty. Also, you can buy noble titles online. America!

1: Texas: If you want to know what the rest of the world thinks of America, think of Texas. Loud! Proud! Guns! Barbecues! FREEDOM! Texas isn’t a real country (anymore)? BULLSHIT!

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