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CWRU Admits First Perfect Student

Aquene Kimmel

Unlike most students who attend Case Western Reserve University, Perfect Student Elizabeth Park did not have to apply. After receiving acceptances from several of the world’s top universities, Park was at home baking pies to bring to her local homeless shelter when University President Barbara Snyder knocked on her door.
“Recruiting Park to the class of 2020 was a huge priority for our Office of Admissions,” said Snyder. “There are other students, I think, but really who cares?”
While attending Phillips Academy in Andover Town, Massachusetts, Park served as president of every club at the school (including several she founded herself) and served on her local city council. She also spearheaded Andover Hospital’s upgrade to a Level 1 trauma center, according to some of her former classmates who “would have loved to maybe be president of a club at school, too, you know.”
Once at CWRU, Park plans to major in biomedical and aerospace engineering as well as economics, with minors in Arabic and Chinese, and she will be dual-enrolled with the medical school.
When she visited earlier this year, Park also spoke with some students about the clubs and organizations at CWRU. She has decided that she will begin her sophomore year as president of the Undergraduate Student Government, the Student Executive Council, and the Undergraduate Diversity Collective. She also noted that she will be very polite and never condescending to members of the Residence Hall Association.
This summer, Park arrived in Cleveland early to begin her campaign for mayor of Cleveland and to work on research with School of Medicine Dean Pamela B. Davis.
“Honestly this is what we look for in a medical school applicant,” said Davis. “We want someone who has every imaginable accomplishment, and I just don’t see why more students don’t do that.”
After her graduation, Park has a contract with NASA and the Cleveland Clinic to establish the first charity hospital for space-related illnesses on Mars.
“There’s only one thing I would break that contract for,” Park admitted. “I co-wrote a bill with Bernie Sanders and Paul Ryan to reduce the minimum age for president to eighteen, so if that passes I’ll just go straight to that. If Congress stalls, though, I’m excited to spend a few years on Mars.”
Before Snyder arrived on her doorstep and summoned the tormented, restless spirits of Albert Michelson and Edward Morley to help convince her to attend CWRU, Park was accepted to Harvard University, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the Sorbonne, Oxford University and the University of Tokyo.
During orientation, Park’s more ordinary peers can rest assured that, while Snyder listed numerous accomplishments achieved by CWRU’s incoming class in her welcome speech, there aren’t actually that many classmates better than them. Park was the only student Snyder mentioned.
“I’m not totally sure why Elizabeth decided to come to CWRU, but the important thing is that she’s coming here, and that makes our school look great,” said Snyder. “I would now ask that any alumni who are proud to share an alma mater with this Perfect Student please donate at least five million dollars. It’s the least you can do to ensure she doesn’t transfer.”

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