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CWRU Deceives Prospies

Sabanrab Bocaj

Current students at Case Western Reserve University have probably noticed the influx of prospective students and the continual campus tours for them and their families. Every walkway is almost constantly filled with varying group sizes lead by a backwards-walking tour guide commenting on all the best places to eat on campus, while a parent in the group eventually points out the wooden block pavement on Hessler street.

Undergraduates have no doubt noticed that certain things around campus are slightly altered when prospies visit, supposedly to make CWRU look more appealing to potential applicants and their tuition-paying legal guardians. The dining halls are revamped and the regular staff mysteriously swapped out. The caged beasts are relocated to the South Residential Village, and the basilisk is moved down into the steam tunnels. These changes have come to be expected; however, it appears the administration has implemented several new measures to mislead prospies.

Bon Appétit has started serving new cuisine at Leutner and Fribley, sampling dishes from five-star restaurants, specifically for prospies. The menus in the dining halls clearly indicate that this food is served regularly. The dishes include Wagyu steaks, lobster, Armand de Brignac Brut wine and gold leaf gelato, to name a few. Also, a large sheet completely covers up The Den by Denny’s when prospies are near.

The Office of Undergraduate Admissions recently instructed student tour guides to play down the amount of work required for certain majors. Course instructors received a memo informing them that they should tell prospies and their parents that there will be little to no homework, especially not in physics. All questions should be answered with some allusion to everybody’s favorite teacher, so that prospies get the impression that they will enjoy every class. Additionally, the number of course credits required for engineering and nursing degrees have been truncated for reference in discussion.

Perhaps the most notable deception is due to the construction of a large dome over campus, paid for with the recent increase in tuition. The dome’s design makes it nearly transparent from the outside, while a controlled atmosphere is visible from within. On days with inclement weather or cloudy skies, artificial lights and heaters will simulate sunshine and warm temperatures, just like in “The Truman Show.” Now, when anyone asks how the weather is on campus, current students can tell their prospie counterparts, “It’s pretty much like this all the time.” When asked about her soon-to-be-obsolete weather machine, President Barbara R. Snyder declined to comment.

Students have reported other minor cases of misleading prospies, including insisting that the Tinkham Veale University Center is actually Thwing and that Grab-It is a reasonable lunch option. The administration is sure to have many more tricks up its collective sleeve, so the intrepid reporters at The Athenian will continue to shed light on the misdirection and misinformation convincing people to come to CWRU.

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