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CWRU hosts 50th annual Alumni Donor Penis Size competition

Staff Reporter

For the past 50 years, Case Western Reserve University has graciously hosted the Alumni Donor penis size competition, where the wealthy benefactors of our school donate ludicrous sums of money directly proportional to their penis size. CWRU uses the façade of malleability to financially well-established alumni to hide the true competition—donor dick sizes.

The most accurate way to measure penis size is to publically display how much money one possesses, preferably in a grandiose and outrageous way. Every year the winner of the competition gets carefully stroked by various upper-level administration, and buildings like Tinkham Veale University Center appear on campus.

However, the competition is rigged, as seen in the case of alumni donor Teddy Upshire. Administration is currently working on the problem, but competition is to proceed as planned. Most people think that the Michelson-Morley Monument, commonly called the “lipstick fountain” or “penis fountain”  was built to commemorate the Michelson-Morley experiment.

On the contrary, it was a gift from Upshire, in order to compensate for his remarkably average penis.

Castle_Julia Bianco

Julia Bianco

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