11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

CWRU president makes supernatural deal, unleashes demonic weather

Reported by Hallie Dolin

Babs, according to a number of reputable sources, has really done it this time, and Armageddon may not be far away.

Apparently, the three polar vortices that Ohio experienced starting in January are due not to global warming. Blame rests instead with a very quiet deal that Case Western Reserve University President Barbara Snyder made with supernatural forces last Christmas. Upset with the cold rain that seemed to occur every time CWRU hosted an open house for prospective freshmen, Snyder summoned the Four Demons of the Apocalypse with a scented candle and proposed a trade.

Mephistopheles and most of his cronies could not be reached for comment, but Beelzebub was willing to speak with reporters when asked. “She was really sick of the weather being so horrible. It turned away prospies,” the demon told a representative of The Athenian, whom he kindly summoned to his duplex in Hell last Monday for an interview. “She said that we could make it as cold as we wanted on other days, but it had to be sunny on open-house days. That seemed fair.”

With temperatures poised to drop another 40 degrees over the next two weeks, it would seem that Babs’ reign at CWRU should, by right of an emergency election, be at least temporarily suspended. Surprising straw poll results say otherwise; students acclimated to Cleveland weather were unfazed by the winter. Several random undergrads, when stopped on the street, commented that the weather “seems about normal” and expressed pleasure at the fact that “at least we had a snow day this year.”

The recently-built businesses on Euclid Avenue have also taken the opportunity to cash in on this rare opportunity to drain willing students dry. Panera, for example, is currently serving a limited edition Hot Snowstorm Chocolate, which is composed entirely of steamed Reddi-Wip and costs $3.99. Constantino’s Market is selling so-called “snow umbrellas” for the comparatively reasonable price of $24.99, and the proprietor of the Christmas-tree place on East 117th has promised to convert the business’ garage space into a storm shelter “for a nominal fee.”

Cleveland meteorologists estimate that the unseasonable weather will continue at least until commencement on May 18. Students are advised to wear a hat if the temperature goes under negative 34 degrees Fahrenheit: “the temperature at which hair freezes,” claims the Biomedical Engineering department. However, classes will continue as regularly scheduled until further notice, or until the cold becomes so obviously detrimental that the flower salesman on Euclid puts on a pair of gloves.

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