CWRU socialite attends two parties in one month

By Paul Palumbo

They said it couldn’t be done. They said nobody could have the time, nobody could have the stamina, nobody had the determination. This week, Jackson Jason proved them wrong. Jason has made CWRU history by being the only student to ever attend two parties in one month. He participated in his second party of the month yesterday, proving once and for all who is the most social person on campus.

“Well first, I just want to thank all the people who supported me,” said Jason, returning from his legendary second social event of the month. “My friends, my roommates, the people who kept inviting me to parties without actually expecting me to attend. This wouldn’t be possible without any of you. This was a team effort.”

When asked why he felt compelled to be so extraordinarily social, Jackson was at a loss for answers.

“I don’t really know, you know?” he said. “Like, I was looking out the window yesterday and just thought, ‘I’m gonna do it.’ And then I did it. It was, like, just an impulse thing, you know? I can’t say I love parties, but I guess I gotta like them more than other people probably.”

“Here’s one thing I know for sure,” stated Jason with an uncharacteristic intensity as he grabbed the microphone and put it right up to his mouth. “This title is mine, and I will do everything that I need to defend it. If anybody thinks they’re going to three parties in a month, or, dare I say, four, they’d better be prepared, because I’m not going down without a fight.” He then proceeded to drop the expensive, fragile microphone on the floor. “It’s, like, it’s just a thing, man, you know?” he added.

Only time will tell whether any student can surpass the social butterfly that Jackson Jason has become after years of cocooning up in his room. Several students have already made statements announcing their intention to beat this new record, though whether the CWRU party scene can sustain such action remains to be seen.

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