Reported by River Tam
Thanks to diligent student reporter efforts, The Athenian has uncovered budget records revealing that 14.3 percent of the CWRU budget is annually allocated toward a lavish Thanksgiving dinner for faculty and administration.
This year’s tuition increase was needed after the choice of Michael Symon for caterer, over past years’ choice of Bon Appetit . Symon, known for his television appearances and five-star, “meat-centric” restaurants scattered throughout Cleveland, declined to comment on his involvement.
Voice recordings of unidentified faculty members were retrieved from security feeds. Common comments on the tapes found faculty admitting they often sought solace from uncontrollable family members here, claiming “work” as an excuse; that this is the best meal they’ve had since their last sabbatical; and that Case Western Reserve won them over to work at this university with the promise of the extravagant meal.
The question everywhere is how will students respond? This reporter took to the streets—or, bike paths of the quad—to find answers.
“I think I could pass for faculty,” said one student thoughtfully. “If they ask what class I’m teaching I’ll just say it’s really obscure and they’ve probably never heard of it.”
Another student, still carrying identification on an orientation lanyard, reasoned, “They work so hard. I bet they deserve it.”
Athenian reporters uncovered a rough draft program which indicated the dinner this year would take place in Adelbert Hall, known best for its heated sidewalks and exclusive, ID-keyed bathrooms. A pre-dinner reception will feature awards for “Best-Used Tuition” and “Most Valuable Contribution to SAGES Program.”
Following this reception, the dinner will begin, open to teaching faculty, researchers, administrative staff including admissions counselors and, of course, Barbara Snyder . According to one conservative estimate from The Athenian, this lavish, all-you-can-eat buffet costs CWRU students the equivalent of 25 additional printers, five Session Instructors (per department), a five percent increase in meal plan costs, one extra Greenie driver and several horse-drawn carriages to supplement the Saferide program. Other projected effects may include professors canceling class early on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, teaching particularly well on the Monday and Tuesday following, and continued lowering of food quality in the dining halls.
Anonymous sources from the business department of CWRU kept their comments brief.
“We have no plans to bring an end to ‘Turkey-Thon’ at this time,” commented one staff assistant who wished to remain unnamed. “No, I don’t believe ‘Turkey-Thon’ could be considered unethical. It’s simply a time we can feed those who are sometimes too caught up in research to feed themselves.”
Under assurances of anonymity, another staff member in the business department was willing to speak on the subject. “I feel this dinner, filled with home-style foods traditional to the American Thanksgiving meal like cranberry sauce, as well as some not as traditional foods like jumbo shrimp, really add value to the entire year of working here at Case Western. For one thing, it’s quite the interdisciplinary experience to dissect and share a meal with faculty across the department. In these ways, the expense is quite justified.”