CWRU Vigilante Vows To Locate New Campus Building

Kushagra Gupta

Saying that she should have noticed sooner, returning Case Western sophomore Kayla Smith has informed reporters that she has reason to suspect that a secret new building might be opening on campus.
At the time, Smith was waiting outside her professor’s office to discuss a time conflict caused by the university’s physical education requirements, when she overheard suggestive comments that implied a grand opening of a building named Tinkham Veale.
Smith had heard the phrase before but had been under the impression that her friends were celebrating learning by saying, “Think ‘Em Veale.” The 19-year-old said that in her defense, by telling a building to think, she thought her friends were just expressing their happiness to learn.
However, when the professor noticed Smith standing at the door, his words quickly hushed. “Something fishy was going on,” Smith thought.
“The meeting was just going to be about PE,” she said. “But then, it became an interrogation.”
After going inside, Smith had reportedly used common law enforcement techniques, such as hard eye contact, making subtle remarks about nearby objects that could induce blunt-force trauma and slowly decreasing the distance between her and the professor/suspect’s face.
Despite her efforts, the professor was reportedly able to escape with a lame excuse of an important lunch meeting at the Melt. Later, she admitted to herself that she should have known to physically restrain him.
Having confirmed her suspicions by his behavior, Smith vowed to continue her investigation at all costs.
In a hushed tone, she explained, “I asked myself what would change if there was a new building.”
Sources report that Smith said the solution was obvious but hidden, and that only the ancient wisdom inside her soul could give her the answer: the greenie bus route.
Smith explained: “The commuter shuttle mini-bus system helps students travel from one part of the university to another in a safe and fast manner. If there was a new building, the bus might have to stop by it now.”
Unfortunately for the girl-who-espoused-justice-itself, her bus pursuits ended abruptly when she was on the way to the greenie stop, due to a tragic accident.
She disclosed, “Honestly, no matter how much it hurt, throughout the entire thing, I kept thinking that it was still pretty ironic to get hit by an ambulance.”
Noting how incredulous it was to not notice a vehicle with bright flashing lights and a blaring siren, Smith went on to say that she hadn’t really noticed that the world’s greatest medical facilities were literally across the street until then either.
Gloomily, injury was not the only way Smith’s search for truth has affected her personal life. The late-night break-ins and constant surveillance have reportedly caused a strain on the guardian-of-all-that-is-good’s boyfriend.
“The price of what I do every night is that loneliness is my one true fate,” Smith explained, wistfully staring off into the moonlight.
Sadly, Smith was unable to balance both of her lives, and her boyfriend’s affection for her quickly ended after she suggested attempting to locate a secret tunnel under Nord Hall instead of a dinner in Little Italy.
By day, Smith reportedly mingles with her classmates, making small talk about homework and exams. But every so often, she sees something that makes her cringe, knowing that she cannot help without the cover of darkness.
And thus, the CWRU vigilante continues to lurk.

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