Jessica Chalas Photos By Barnabas Brennan
Have you ever started flirting with a girl and partway through your clever one-liner, she and her friends are staring at you like you have a parrot on your shoulder? Or maybe you planned a cute movie night for Friday, but when you told your significant other the game plan, he decided it was time to end it?
Consider that maybe your dating strategy is too civilized. After all, you have to remember, the animal part of your brain is responsible for your basic instincts. And what’s more instinctual than dating and mating? If you want to be successful in your relationships, consider this carefully compiled list of aces to stack your dating peck – I mean, deck.
• If you want someone to say yes to a date, remember to growl forcefully at them. Then it stops being a question. Of course they’re going to say yes.
• When packing a picnic, you want to make it tasty and memorable. Fill your basket with raw meat – the bloodier the better – and head to the nearest park. The outdoor smells and the inevitable flies will surely inspire a feeling of wild grittiness.
• If you want someone to know you like them, you shouldn’t be coy. Best to let them know right away with some casual leg humping.
• People like to know you appreciate them, especially in relationships. To show your significant other they’re important, give ‘em a big lick or two, preferably in an easy-to-reach location. You know, to make it more spontaneous. The face is always a good option.
• You should nibble the ear of every person you find attractive. How else are they to know you like them?
• A lot of people lose their partners to competition, because let’s face it, you can’t follow them to every class. Or most classes, if you’re sleeping till noon. To clearly give potential rivals the signal that you don’t appreciate their advances on your mate, take your significant other’s textbooks and rub your musk on them. The smell should keep your rivals at bay during those unavoidable “group projects.”
• Most people like to get little gifts from their significant others. It lets them know you’re thinking of them. But why waste your money on overpriced jewelry or some wonky tech doodad? Neither of those is inherently fun. You know what inspires happiness and fun? Tennis balls. Get them lots and lots of tennis balls.
But hey, who am I to think you already have a significant other? Maybe this is your first time getting out there, pruning those feathers, baring those teeth.
Next time you go to a bar, don’t waste time with inappropriate compliments, bad puns or witty repartee. Instead, do a little peacocking. Let them see how your hair glistens, strut about the club and thrust your chest out with great gusto and when you see them looking, shake those luscious locks and grin widely. And don’t forget those bright neon clothes, the brighter the better. Do a little dance (practice beforehand), make a little love and get that Black Beauty!