By Paul Palumbo
Students living in Hitchcock 503 made a shocking discovery this afternoon when they found a large pentagram, painted in blood and then doodled on with sharpie, on the wall behind their closet.
The pentagram itself is an old Sumerian design which is believed to awaken nearby spirits of the dead and trap them in the world of the living, while the sharpie depicts large, crudely drawn male genitalia and the word “butt” written over and over.
“This explains a lot, actually,” said freshman Orville Dentrum, one of the students living in the room. “Every so often things in my room would just fall over, or the doors would open and nobody would be there. And the only number that works on my calculator is six. Do you know how hard it is to pass Calculus when you can only use six?”
While there’s no lead on who may have opened this portal into the underworld, school officials have hired famed exorcist and paranormal investigator Norman Bubs to pacify the otherworldly circle. “You’d be surprised what I’ve had to deal with in this line of work,” said Bubs. “I just got back from New Orleans and this guy was haunted by a ghost that loved pancakes. He would come home after work and his entire apartment would be completely full of pancakes. That might sound like a fluffy breakfast dream, but believe me, it wasn’t. With this dorm haunting, I highly suspect I’ll need to fight my way through some haunted term papers.”
School administration suggests that students check their own dorms for any satanic symbols, demonic demonstrations and accursed articles.
For a limited time, housing will include an “occult phenomena” section, where you can submit requests for elimination of deadly apparitions. Requests may take up to 666 weeks to complete, so almost as much as Maintenance Requests. Success not guaranteed.