Drunken advice with Ivan Tadrinknow

Dear Ivan Tadrinknow,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and we’re both about to graduate. We’ve been planning on getting married after college. I like him a lot as a friend, and I’m attracted to him, but I don’t know if I love him. What should I do?

Signed,

Lost in Paradise

 

Dear Lost in Paradishe,

Hey schweetheart, hows it goin now? Havin’ some trouble with shur boytoy? Well, here’sch what you gotta do. Hey bartender, another cold one! Schorry, I was talkin to schomeone elshe. So here’sh what you do. You walk schtraight up to that man a’ yours, and you schay, “Hey boyfriend man! Do you really love me? Like, if you had to schoose between me, and this beer I’m holdin’ right, whish would ya choose? Cause I’d pick shish beer! It never schleaves me disappointed, if sha know what I mean.” Hahaha! No but scheriously, Heresch what you gotta do. You gotta schop around a little bit. Figure out whatsha want from this life. You only got one! Less you’re ona dem Hindush or a cat or schomething. But really, relationshcips are like a cashe of beer. At first scha love it, but after a while, it getsh old, ya know? But scheriously, you wanna know schomething? Life is like a bucket of schicken! It…uh, well, I’m not really schure where I wasch goin’ with that. But I do love schome chicken though! Anyschways, hope schat helpsh. And if you end up schingle, gimme a call, and I’ll help you forget all about that bro.

 

Dear Ivan Tadrinknow,

I’ve been working in the human resources department at the same business for about 10 years now. The pay is okay, but I haven’t gotten a promotion since I started! I’ve worked hard and been loyal to the company, but I feel like my boss barely even knows who I am. Should I look for another job, or keep grinding and hope that I’ll finally get noticed?

Signed,

Working and Waiting

 

Dear Working and Waiting,

You, my friend, schound like you need a beer! And scho do I! Hahaha! Juscht kidding, I’ve already got one. Lischten buddy, here’s whatsch you need to do. You need to marsh right into that bosschman’s office, look em schtraight in the eye, and say “Hey! Mischter Boss Man! You know who I am! I’ve been buschtin’ my balls for you for th’ last ten yearsch, and what do I have to schow for it! Nosching! What do I look like, a floor mat to you?” At thisch point, schee, you’ll have right where ya want him. These big bossch men will only reschpond to a man they can reschpect. And then you schay, “Hey, Mischter Bossch Man! I want an offische! I’ve been working my assch off for ten yearsch! And I want a raische too! Asch a matter of fact, I want schyou’re job! How do you like them applesch, mischter bossch man! Ooh, look at me, I’ve a big schtrong bossch! I schit in my offische all day and tell scheeze people what to do!” You gotta schet these businessch types schtraight. Like when my bossch said to me yeschterday, “Hey man, you’rrr drunk!” And I schaid, “Hey man, that’s none of your businnesch! Thisch is my cube, not yoursch!” Don’t go easchy on him, man. Oh, and make schure you hide your flaschk under your deschk when your boss isch behind you. They don’t scheem to like seein’ em very musch.”

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