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Earning the title of “Worst Date Ever”

Written by Kyle Berkowitz

My friend Allie from high school has the most wonderful personality. I absolutely adore her, and so does anybody who is genuine enough to look past her unfortunate physical attributes and takes the time to get to know her. Allie is and may always be the least attractive girl I will ever know. It is absolutely not her fault, obviously. It’s genetic. Her parents, short and stocky with acne-scarred faces and thick glasses, are likely the best representation of what Allie will look like in 40 years. She is short, chubby and acne-ridden. Her hair is the least manageable kind of frizzy ginger. However, through all of that, her personality is golden. She’s charismatic, clever, funny and compassionate. Her personality in human form would possess all of the jaw-dropping physical attributes that she does not have.

In contrast, Blake Turner was quarterback of our high school football team and captain of the varsity swim team. He was an Adonis. Blake was the epitome of teenage virility. Tall, blonde with bright blue eyes, nothing but muscle, and to top it off he was by all accounts a nice guy. It’s so easy for someone like that to be a huge jerk, but somehow he wasn’t. Intelligent, funny, nice, good-looking, athletic… The perfect man.

Why, then, would someone like Blake choose to go on a date with someone like her? Allie, always an optimist and blinded by her abundant and unsatisfied hormones, was never phased by this mystery. While everyone else gawked, Blake suggested that they grab supper at a shiny 1950s-style diner, a popular destination for high school dates, on the next Saturday evening. Allie eagerly accepted. She spent the whole day on Saturday managing her messy hair, applying tasteful amounts of cover-up and choosing what she would wear to her first date.

Blake picked her up promptly at 6 p.m. in his father’s Mercedes SUV. He was wearing a fitted sky blue button-down which made his eyes become even bluer than humanly possible.

His hair was gelled into a sloppy skate-ramp that made him look like he just left an Abercrombie and Fitch modeling session. In short, he was dreamy—and despite her daylong efforts, she still wasn’t.

As true Americans, the odd pair finished a nice meal of cheeseburgers, fries and milkshakes. However, their conversation was completely awkward and unnatural. They had nothing in common. No common interests at all. They were both very cordial and friendly, but the date obviously wasn’t going anywhere. Socially inept and with nothing left to lose, fully aware that this was her one and only chance at a perfect 10, Allie confronted Blake about his decision to ask her out.

A stressed look came over Blake’s face and he looked down at his leftover food as he pulled a hand through his gelled hair. He said, “Honestly, this is all an experiment. My psych teacher assigned us to research whether opposites attract, so I decided to ask a girl on a date who I would never normally ask to see if it went well. You’ve definitely given me a lot to write about, but I don’t think opposites actually attract when it comes to dating and stuff.”

What charmer, right? Allie took all of this in, that she was nothing more than an experiment. Her mind raced while this new information tumbled around in her mind, and then she had an idea. She smiled a bit and chuckled to herself before looking Blake in the eye. She said in a soft warm voice, “Well, Blake, the night isn’t over just yet. In order for your experiment to be legitimate we have to do everything you would do on a normal date.”

He smiled awkwardly, as she winked. The night was just beginning.

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