No longer able to afford our own heating, The Athenian staff warmed ourselves on the embers from the fire we lit in The Observer’s office space, desperately thinking of a way out of our financial imperilment. Suddenly, I was struck with inspiration.
“I have a solution to our funding woes!” I announced in my most editor-in-chiefly voice. The staff responded with enthusiasm.
“Will this be anything like your plan to open a rival dining hall to put Leutner out of business?” asked Aquene. “Or your petition to allow swiping into residence halls with credit cards?”
“Wait, hear me out,” I replied. “I don’t hear any of you making your own suggestions.”
Rohan spoke up: “Actually, I was doing some back of the envelope calculations and we might be able to break even by expanding our ad revenue with target—”
“Shut up, Rohan,” everyone responded reflexively.
“Wait, what’s going on?” asked Sarah, seemingly unaware of the purpose of our meeting but conveniently also providing an excuse for us to recall the events earlier that day.
President Barbara R. Snyder had beckoned our staff into her office.
“I have recently become aware of your existence,” she explained.
“Hooray,” cheered Michael and JP, happier than Merrick Garland at a Senate hearing.
“Obviously, I am defunding you immediately,” she continued.
“Hooray,” cheered Mahima, who has always been a little late to the party.
“No, The Athenian is too big to fail!” I wailed, voice cracking in horror.
“Sorry, what did I miss?” asked Anastazia, as she hurried in, also late to the party.
Thus caught up, I explained the intricate details of my plan: “We need to find a wealthy individual or corporation to sponsor us for free!” The staff stared blankly at me. “Let’s get to it!” I continued.
As an example, I began composing an email to the Koch brothers titled “DO U LIKE HUMOR? PAY US.” Within a few hours of our team’s frantic clicking, we had amassed a grand total of 18 sponsorship offers. We ultimately chose to become affiliated with TIME magazine, due to their promise to pay our legal fees for setting The Observer office space on fire while David was still inside.
Thus, welcome to our first print of The Athenian with our new sponsor: The Time Issue. Enjoy the general hilarity and if you would like to get involved in writing or graphics or ad sales, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Join The Athenian—it’s what David would have wanted.