The Cuyahoga River once again caught fire after the leftover corpse of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was dragged off of Capitol Hill to be improperly disposed of in Chesapeake Bay.
Some sources claimed that the blaze started after an individual smoking in a “No Tobacco” zone tossed his or her stub into the once clear waters. Other sources claimed that the blaze was ignited by activists during an anti-environment demonstration. Regardless of the source, Cleveland’s burning river once again brought the city national attention.
After the city council finished hiding their bribes, a state of emergency was declared and firefighters from across the Rust Belt tried to figure out how to put out a burning river. After a week huddling under the shifting flames of the Cuyahoga, Fire Chief Angelo Cavillo declared the fire to be “an unholy mixture of a grease fire, an electrical fire, an industrial waste fire and self-sustaining cold fusion.“
“Adding water would only make it worse,” he confirmed during the press conference.
After incessant questioning from our reporter, he claimed “No, we can’t just put a pot cover on it!”
Full-time Baby Boomer Mitch Millerson grumbled at the lackluster effort of today’s Millennials, claiming that back in his day, they put out the burning river every weekend. However, when questioned, he refused to give more details on how to fix the problem. Instead, he kept repeating that today’s youth are too lazy and expect everything, including answers, to just be given to them.
When President Donald Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer was asked about the administration’s role in and response to our burning river, he said “As we all know, rivers are flammable. That means they are prone to catching on fire.”
Not everything is doom and gloom, however. Ohio Governor John Kasich is looking at the bright side, claiming that “Ohio’s tourism industry will be burning bright” over the next few years. A projected increase in sales of fire insurance and bottled water sales are also expected to bring economic growth to the city.
The Miami Heat protested having to play the Cavaliers in the Quicken Loans Arena, claiming that the hormone-filled fumes are an unsafe and unfair performance enhancement. Reportedly, the Cavaliers laughed until they were reduced to coughing fits. The coaches negotiated to move the game to the part of Miami that is still above sea level.
As of press time, the Cuyahoga River has been burning for 123 hours.