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Ewoks: the new warm fuzzy feeling that everyone wants

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko

In the not-so-distant future, in a land not-so-far away, Ewoks have become a highly prized Valentine’s Day gift. Is this just a fad or are Ewoks here to stay? Their popularity continues to grow with no signs of abating. It seems those squished and furry faces have weaseled their way into the holiday for good. The real question is: why are they so popular?

Perhaps there is something oddly endearing about their ugliness that makes them such popular gifts for significant others. After all, there is something inexplicably adorable about ugly animals. Just take a look at some peoples’ dogs. Let’s face it, if you saw an Ewok’s face held against your significant other’s face, then it goes without saying that your significant other will probably never have looked better. (Scholars believe this may have saved many a relationship.)

There is also a growing awareness that Ewoks are reminiscent of the teddy bears of yester-century. The comfort of giant stuffed animals was once enough to be a good gift, but no longer! After all, Ewoks are actually able to return the affection that was formerly thrown away on teddy bears. The allure of a hug back is too great to be ignored.

Another rising theory is that Ewoks have therapeutic powers. An Ewok’s touch has been known to bring people back from the brink of death. In once recent incident, an anonymous source did not like their Ewok gift and planned to return it; the Ewok went on to save the gift-giver from the injuries resulting from the ensuing argument. Survivors of such violence often describe creating a lifetime friendship with their rescuer Ewoks.

As this market has become more popular, so has the market for Ewok paraphernalia. Everything from Ewok nail decals, backpacks, shoes, clothes, jewelry and headphones are now available for purchase. (Note that no Ewoks are harmed in the making of these products. Only their likeness is used to create the product, not actual Ewoks.) If this trend were to reverse, there would be many entrepreneurs out of luck.

Those out there with a conscience may be questioning the morality of buying and selling living creatures. Well, no need to worry. Ewoks actually enjoy being sold for the enjoyment of others. As it turns out, they do not typically experience such overwhelming affection; they adore the nonstop love they receive on Valentine’s Day. Ewoks’ rights activists argue that there is no way to be sure that this is how Ewoks feel. Advances in science have largely put such arguments to rest. Modern EnjoiMeasure tools are able to measure the exact amount of enjoyment any living thing feels at any moment. These machines have conclusively shown that, for Ewoks, there is nothing as satisfying as being given as a Valentine’s Day gift.

Sadly, the love owners give to their Ewoks does not tend to last very long. Many end up homeless after two weeks (yet Ewok and Ewok paraphernalia sales inexplicably continue to rise) and are rarely seen again. The consequences of their disappearances, however, are much less sinister than might be expected. Ewoks simply leave their homeless states when they travel to the Island of Misfit Ewoks. On the island, they are able to bond with other Ewoks, go to school, obtain work and start families. Programs are in place to send aid to the developing island, and it is hoped that within ten years the Ewoks will be able to support themselves without any help.

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