Tejas Joshi, Award-winning statistician and clam-breeder
The vast majority of students (see exceptions below) were upset last semester by Provost and Executive Vice President William A. “Bud” Baeslack III’s announcement that undergraduate tuition is increasing by 3.25 percent to $44,160, and many wondered where that extra money will go. Naturally, this elicited the interest of The Athenian’s investigative reporting team who embarked on a fact-finding mission to uncover the sordid truth.
Surprisingly, the single largest category of tuition spending (32 percent) is allocated to making the university more ergonomic. The majority of those funds will be used to replace all standard employee desks with standing desks and to replace all standing desks with leaning desks. Other noteworthy expenditures include developing more ergonomic chalk and replacing all textbooks with new versions which simply contain the word “ergonomic” repeated over and over in increasingly large fonts.
Facility maintenance and salaries were the next biggest expenses, although allocation of these funds is unpopular among members of the Occupy movement who are outraged that the top one percent of buildings receive 40 percent of all funds.
However, there were no critics of the university’s yearly disaster preparedness allocation which trains all students and faculty in a variety of popular seminars such as “Tsunami Awareness Techniques,” “Outrunning an Earthquake” and “Negotiating with Cannibals.”
The Alumni Relations Committee hopes to recreate the success of last year when they raised $1.38 million, nearly recouping the $1.56 million cost of mailing, phoning and surprise visiting alumni to solicit donations.
Lastly, the CWRU Athletics Department plans to use most of its endowment to renovate the Quidditch team’s stadium and remove the annoying football goal posts which block the views of dedicated fans.
Other university plans which will be effectuated throughout the year include placing stickers reading “Actual Size!” on large objects or people and ensuring that every student gets their full-value in products from the Student Activities Fee.