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Fanatics against Black Friday

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko

At 5:00 p.m. Thanksgiving evening, a group of highly motivated religious zealots camped outside K-Mart and refused to leave. They claimed to be attempting to put a stop to the Black Friday shopping that was to begin that night.

The zealots, who refused to identify themselves with any specific denomination, were horrified to discover that K-Mart is actually open all day on Thanksgiving and had just closed at 4:00 p.m. to prepare for Black Friday shopping, which began promptly at 8:00 p.m. One woman was so flabbergasted by this that she fainted and was immediately brought to the nearest hospital. She was recorded as Black Friday’s first victim of the year.

“Black Friday is a day people sell their souls three for the price of one. We don’t want this sacrilege to spread to Thanksgiving and take the focus away from prayer and thankfulness,” stated Robert Jones, the zealots’ elected spokesman.

There was no acknowledgement of the fact that Thanksgiving is not actually a religious holiday; its greatest purpose is to give the turkey market the boost it needs to compete with steak.

Zealots cited the Massachusetts Blue Laws as exactly what they hope to achieve here in Ohio. The Blue Laws prevent any store from opening on Thanksgiving and are remnants from the good old days of Puritan society. The fanatics briefly mentioned that the value Puritans placed on Thanksgiving highlights their family-friendly nature.

A fact that was completely ignored is that, according to statistics, Black Friday is actually prime bonding time for many families. Mother-daughter bonding by shopping is most effective on Black Friday; the strategizing required to make the most of any Black Friday inevitably brings women closer together.

Fathers and sons also achieve maximum bonding on Black Friday. There is nothing quite like hiding from desperate women that want to take you shopping , and on Black Friday father-son cooperation is the key to taking cover. Such high-intensity situations create close connections, and surveys show that many families are thankful for this time given to them.

When K-Mart finally opened for the big day, the line to get in was just curling around the corner of the building. While for a store like Wal-Mart or Target this would be a record low on Black Friday, K-Mart workers were thrilled by this unexpectedly high turnout. This made getting rid of the problematic zealots an even higher priority.

Naturally, the zealots refused to leave. They remained directly outside the doors, blocking potential customers from walking through the entrance. Eventually, the post-turkey stupor wore off, and avid shoppers that had brought their own carts began to charge toward the zealots. After several injuries, all of which were inflicted by shoppers on the zealots and included two concussions, a broken leg and a sprained wrist, the zealots were forcibly removed from the scene. The police reported that, for their own safety, the fanatics will be held in jail until all Black Friday shopping has officially ended.

Jones stated that next year the group will be better prepared. They will go somewhere more popular, like Goodwill, and they will be ready to face any degree of crazed shopper that comes their way.

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