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Fears come true: Man marries cat in elaborate ceremony

Reported by Littelfot Brontasor

3000 C.E.: Breaking news from Portland, OR, Hotbed of Liberal godlessness

Wedding announcements showered the city this week in the wake of Portland’s new legalization of interspecies marriage. The first couple to celebrate the new law was Grant Powell, 38, and his cat Chibbles.
Lawmakers cited their inspiration as coming from laws which legalized homosexual marriage at the turn of the 21st century.

“Those old laws definitely paved the way for interspecies marriage,” commented town board member Pavlov Shiner. “If one consenting, legal, sentient adult can marry another, then obviously our next step was to take that and apply it to two beings who can’t even talk to each other.”

“Technically, Chibbles didn’t say ‘I do,’” admitted a spokesperson from the office of the Clerk of Circuit Court. “But I consider myself pretty liberal, so I can’t criticize this. I’ll get behind anything new that upsets hard-working Americans with happy families. I’m just too jealous of their success.”

Protestors have already taken to the city streets. Traffic advisories were issued to those traveling to work today and are expected to continue for about two weeks, at which point most peoples’ attention spans for a political issue will be exceeded. The crowds held signs painted with such catchy slogans as “Meow Means Meow” and “The End is Near!”

“If only our ancestors hadn’t voted to legalize same-sex marriage,” said one wistful young woman standing outside the state office. “This is clearly a consequence of those homosexuals. They pretended they wanted equality but they were just trying to split up the sacred combination of church and state. Now everything’s gone to the dogs – including my boyfriend.”

When told that the United States was founded on the separation of church and state, the young woman responded, “What? You must have that wrong. Anyway, the founding fathers were all Christian. They didn’t really mean that.”

Another bystander, when asked for his opinion about why the population shouldn’t marry cats, responded, “Well, I think we should marry cats… so I couldn’t tell you. Cats won’t ask for a divorce.”

Proponents of the law continue to voice their enthusiastic support. Others announced upcoming weddings featuring chameleons, swans and one very lucky ostrich.

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