By Alaina Lisanti
When esteemed retailer The Container Store opened its latest Cleveland area location this past Saturday morning, excitement buzzed throughout the whole neighborhood.
Opening day brought in many customers looking to find the perfect containers for everything from art supplies to kitchen utensils to the collections of VHS tapes kept in their basements without seeing the light of day. Store manager Doug Parker oversaw the ceremony, where he promised the first 50 customers a free extra-small Tupperware container made with extra-strength plastic.
“I know this day will go down in history as an important day for container enthusiasts everywhere,” Parker addressed the crowd of over a hundred as he stood on a podium, while his assistant manager prepared to cut the ribbon signifying the opening of the store.
As soon as the scissors snipped the ribbon in two, the entrance was overrun with a swarm of middle-aged women, many of whom had dragged along their husbands. These suburb-dwelling mothers were relentless in their pursuit for the best deals the store had to offer, knocking containers right off of the shelves as they rummaged.
Witnesses reported seeing two women play tug of war for ownership of a spice rack, while another knocked over an entire shelving unit. The fracas lasted nearly twenty minutes, until the last of the soccer moms had left the store. Some were content with their free tupperware container while others left in disappointment.
Immediately after, employees of the store tallied the damage and discovered that four tupperware lids were missing from the shelves, unaccounted for.
When asked to comment about the lids, Parker said, “It’s a disappointment. The cost of the stolen lids will have to come from the cashier’s paycheck,” to which the teenage cashier replied with an audible groan.
In an effort to keep order in the Container Store, new employees have already been hired to keep the peace with disorderly customers overcome by the rows upon rows of airtight, microwavable temptation.