Gambit’s guide to picking up some tail

Welcome once again, folks, to another month of Gambit’s tips and tricks. It’s like a walkthrough guide, but instead of slaying Ganon, you’re slaying something else, if you know what I mean.

Spring is right around the corner, and you all know what that means. Love is in the air. However, it’s also spring break season, which means it’s mostly just hormones in the air. Time to capitalize, ladies and gents! First off, as with business, the most important thing is location, location, location. Here’s where you have two options. The first option is to take a lovely trip up to Canada. It’ll be snowy and freezing, so it’ll be like you never left your dorm (giving you the comfort of continuity), and you won’t even need a fake I.D. to get into the bar! Unless of course you’re one of the Case students that graduated high school at age 13, but if that’s the case, you should worry more about hitting your bedtime instead of going out and macking some cougars.

The second option is to go down to the Jersey shore or any other beach, but let’s be honest: we’re Case students, so we don’t have money, we see the sun so rarely that we can’t handle the beach, and we’d rather not keep the company of someone whose age exceeds their IQ. Oh, who am I kidding? Standards are for chumps, so let’s go with Option Two. Right. So you’re at the beach, now what? Well, you’ve gotta stand out. Most people there will have the body of a god or goddess, be some sort of musician, or know how to surf. Fuck that, you gotta stand out. Find the nearest shark, wrangle it, and become its master. You’ll instantly show off your testicular (or vaginal, I suppose) fortitude, and you’ll also have a handy pet to gnaw someone’s face off if some bro tries to steal your girl or some young floozy flaunts her goodies in front of your man. I’ve used this technique myself multiple times to great avail, and I’d say the $100,000 hospital bill was well worth the success—namely, sex—it has granted me.

If, for whatever reason, neither of my suggestions work, just remember my tips from before with an emphasis on standing out. Wear something crazy (sweater vests, leather BDSM, clown suit- you get the idea), act a little weird (drunk-in-public weird, not tweaked out meth-head weird), and mostly just have fun. Have a good spring break, guys, just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (which shouldn’t limit you much) and don’t incur too many lawsuits. You know you’ll have at least four exams your first day back, so you can’t afford to spend time in jail.

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