Reported by Hallie Dolin
This past Monday, it was announced that a draft for soldiers would be reinstated for the Martian War. This decision has impacted families from around the globe – even the families of United States are feeling the sting.
Somewhere in the Bush family compound, a family sits devastated. George Bush III, 24, has decided to join the Lunar Orbital Guard (LOG) instead of waiting to be drafted into the United States Space Reserve (USSR).
Demonstrating the famed eloquence of his first namesake, Bush stated that “[he is] so very proud to have been chose to represent our country in the space oceans” during a press conference held directly after his announcement. His obligations with the LOG will begin in 3003. In the meantime, he plans to spend his remaining free time with his family.
Detractors claim that Bush’s decision stems from cowardice and a desire to avoid direct combat – qualities that many believe run in his family. A statement released by a leading nationalist group called it “draft dodging.” Keeping with family tradition, Bush rebutted by reminding detractors that his grandfather made some very important contributions to 4Chan University in the past half-century. Contributions which, he claims, no one honors or even remembers.
“From each according to his ability, to each according to his need and all that,” he wrote on his personal blog two hours ago. “It’s simple math. I’m better in the LOG, and others are much better suited to the USSR.”
Since Bush went public with his agreement to serve, the Lunar Orbital Guard has seen an unprecedented number of applications for the Semi-Armed Forces division in which he will serve. “We’ve actually had to start turning people away!” commented Rodriquez Bender, assistant LOG director. Of course, this news comes as little surprise given the popular support the Bush family enjoys. At last poll, the Bush family enjoyed 53.4 percent approval ratings among Western Americans, Namibians and some Tibetans.
While criticism alleges the LOG is the “party branch” of the space military, the LOG has succinctly replied with “Better than the non-party branch!” It’s important to remember that the LOG is all about loyalty to the home planet and in no way, shape or form endorses Ponzi schemes.*
Bush’s service will begin on January 20, 3003, when he reports to Luna Base for training and further instruction regarding his service obligations. Jeb Bush II, his father, perfectly captured his family’s response in a heartfelt admission to the media: “Boy, I’m really glad that he’s staying here through December. The annual Bush turkey game and football shoot just won’t be the same without him.”
*Paid for and endorsed by the Lunar Orbital Guard, Inc., Ltd. & Company.