The vents located near Tinkham Veale Student Center have become very popular in recent weeks, a new study has shown. Students have begun stopping in front of the vents and standing in the same place for upwards of 10 minutes. Researchers have attributed this behavior to the fact that the weather is frickin’ freezing, and those vents are always blowing hot air.
“Nobody is really sure why, but there are a few vents that blow hot air onto the sidewalk, and students have been taking advantage of those nonstop,” says one researcher. “And really, I’m not surprised that cold students are drawn to those vents like sad, tired moths to a miniscule spark. I mean it’s seriously cold out here, and I would know, I do research. I saw one kid from Texas bring his desk outside and do his homework right there on the sidewalk. He seemed really comfortable for somebody whose biology homework was flying through the air.”
In addition, a young business student named Darren has set up several sets of tables and chairs outside the now popular hangout. Darren has been selling hot beverages and warm meals to those who have succumbed to the vents’ hypnotic warmth, and he reports stunning profit.
“At first I was just doing this to pay for all the $350 textbooks I have to buy next semester, but I could probably pay my entire tuition with all the hot dogs and soup I’ve been selling,” says Darren himself. “In fact, I might just drop out and make this a permanent fixture here at Case.”
Hungry and cold students can relieve themselves of winter’s cruel brutality by stopping by the vents and grabbing a quick bite. Darren expects to incorporate live music and a hot tub by the end of the year.