Hipster on WRUW breaks ranks, plays Ed Sheeran

Jasmine Heusey

It was noon when Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” was broadcast over the airwaves of WRUW.

The earth began to shake as the station itself revolted against the top 20 song. “More Music, Fewer Hits” has been the mantra of WRUW for 50 years. It is drilled into the heads of every prospective programmer who dares to enter the station doors. Believed to only be a mundane slogan, it was actually essential for the life of the station.

As the song rang out, the whole of Mather Memorial Building began to shake violently. The courtyard split and hellfire spilled into the Harkness Chapel parking lot. Laura Childers, general manager of WRUW, her radio senses tingling, grabbed her steel plated sword and jumped into action.

“What have you done?” she screamed as she burst into the studio to find a fedora-clad DJ with his phone plugged into the sound system.

“This is a good song, man. What’s the big deal?” young Keith Dunham muttered between draws on his vape pen.

“Do you not see what is happening outside?” Childers screamed as the walls in the studio began to crack.

“Meh, whatever man,” said Dunham, as he picked up his kombucha. “It’s a good song.”

Just then, the spirit of college radio burst from the ground and landed in the middle of the Mather Courtyard.

“This isn’t Neutral Milk Hotel,” the titan growled.

“We had a deal,” he yelled as he pulled an ancient contract from the ether.

It was an old document that said that as long as the station played no top 40 songs, the titan would be kept at bay and the station would survive.

“Get back,” Childers howled as she raised her sword. “Don’t make me use this.”

She was swinging the weapon passed down to each general manager in case of this situation.

“Whoa, whoa, chill out man,” the hulking demon said, while waving his hands. “I just need the blood of the person who played this garbage, and then I can be on my way.”

Childers went into the station, grabbed Dunham by his man bun, and threw him at the titan.

“Ugh not another one,” the titan moaned.

“Ya sorry,” Childers apologized. “Hope you have better luck than we did.”

And just like that, everyone was saved and “More Music, Fewer Hits” was preserved. Well, except for Dunham, who presumably is still listening to less music and being hit more.

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