Historians discover that Columbus was actually a good guy

Staff Reporter

CLEVELAND, OH- High school teacher Sally Peterson told reporters yesterday that Christopher Columbus was not who they thought he was. Students from first grade through sixth grade are taught that the great Christopher Columbus was a brilliant Italian navigator who sailed the ocean blue and proved the earth was round.

Upon reaching seventh grade, students are taught that Christopher Columbus was actually “not that nice,” and proceed to learn in ninth grade of the enslavements and tortures he oversaw. He was not the man that young students thought he was, and they learn that he probably initiated genocides and what not.

Now historians have made the brilliant discovery that Columbus was actually a good guy, and helped the native Haitians and worked together with them to build a society. He was a visionary who purely spread the good word of the Christian religion. Columbus was actually really friendly, a term that Peterson has now deemed appropriate to associate with “colonization.”

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