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Horoscopes

Aries: A late-night text from someone special may set your heart aflutter this weekend, but beware—not every booty call is as bootylicious as it seems.

Taurus: Although you may find that your input has been ignored at work for the past few weeks, the new moon is going to bring you a huge influx of ideas and idea-related stomach problems that will get everyone in the office talking.

Gemini: With the planets all travelling to the upper right hand corner of your star chart, this week looks like it’s going to be a doozy. Use this weekend to take a long bath, drink some wine and stock up on Nerds Ropes to prepare yourself for the week ahead.

Cancer: Your emotions will be bouncing back and forth all over the place today, Cancer, but don’t worry: next week, the movement of the moon into Star Sector 3 will realign your heart (and the balance of intergalactic trade).

Leo: Don’t stress the small things this week. Keep in mind that everyone has flaws; just because yours are so horribly egregious doesn’t mean that you should let them stand in your way.

Virgo: Today is going to be wonderful for you, Virgo. Embrace the steps taken to get you to where you are, and look forward to the rollerblade pushes that will begin your glide towards the future.

Libra: With a solar eclipse approaching fast, be sure to lock down your priorities and prepare for a possibly tumultuous week. And bury all your money in a gym sock in your backyard.

Scorpio: You’re a creature of routine, Scorpio, but although you may think that you’re set in your ways, a scuba diving leprechaun is heading your way to show you the value of change.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry if you’ve found yourself lacking motivation for the past few weeks. Your melancholy is just one piece in the never-ending cycle of sadness and destruction that our world has become in the post-Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar win age.

Ophiuchus: Take some time to focus on yourself this week, because if you don’t take the time to clip your toenails, nobody else is going to do it for you.

Capricorn: Although Capricorns sometimes tend towards introspection, look outwards this week and you may be surprised by what you see. You never know when you may find a tails-up penny on the ground in front of you.

Aquarius: Some people in your life may be getting you down, but try and look at the positives—we are all nothing but dust in the wind, and one day we will all fade away to nothing.
Pisces: Try fishing.

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