Horoscopes for April 14, 2017

Cancer | When they go low, you will go high, to the dismay of the children you will dunk on.

Aries |  Much of today will be a continuation of yesterday, and also of the day before, because time is a continuum.

Taurus | You will soon know your hometown like the back of your hand—unfortunate, so soon after the quadruple amputation.  

Gemini | While it will be noble of you to offer your body to science, the Trojan testing facility isn’t currently looking for volunteers.

Leo | Don’t become a statistic! Be a statistician.

Virgo | After several failed boating attempts, you will finally draw a line in the sand—which in this case will read “Help!”

Libra | You will find yourself turning into your mother after an unexpected time-travel accident.

Scorpio | Open your heart to new possibilities or suffer the consequences of missing your bypass surgery.

Sagittarius |Don’t throw in the towel unless you want a public indecency charge.

Capricorn | You will end your choir concert like a star: imploding in a ball of flame.

Aquarius | Only take the road less travelled if you have the new GMC terrain or a comparable four-wheel drive.

Pisces | You never pictured yourself as a self-made millionaire. Good thinking.

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