11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

How American Are You?

Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, Captain General ‘MERICA the Third

  1. Which Politician are you the most comfortable with?

a.

1

 

 

 

 

 

b.

2

 

 

 

 

 

c.

4

 

 

 

 

 

d.

5

 

 

 

 

 

2. How artsy is this?

6

a. It’s not just art… It’s a wonderfully crafted political statement about the lack of inclusion

b. Let’s add a machine gun, an eagle and the Confederate flag

c. That’s not mine, so I don’t care.

d. Artsy enough for me to post on Instagram with an inspirational quote

3. What language do you speak?

a. French, Portuguese and some obscure African language

b. America F**K Yeah!!1!!!!eleven!!

c. Pig Latin, duh

d. Fluent Urban Dictionary

4. How do you choose to store/invest your money?

a. Money is a social construct of capitalist cronies. I prefer bartering at the Ecological Organic Vegan Pescatarian Omnivorian Yeast Fest held annually in the Mojave Desert. #livelaughlove

b. Gold bars

c. There’s nothing behind our currency. Life’s a lie.  Also, you’re adopted, so I do neither.

d. Credit cards and student loan debt

5. What kind of music do you like?

a. Hum of the Himalayas recorded exclusively on top of Mount Everest

b. Tim McGraw, and only Tim McGraw

c. The sound of other people minding their business.

d. Beyoncé is Love. Beyoncé is Life.

6. What is your opinion of the film “Amélie”?

a. Tres magnifique… crème fraîche… bonjour… oui oui

b. Non-American Terrorist Awful  

c. Who cares?

d. You spelled Emily wrong

7. What does the world look like to you?

a.

7

 

 

 

 

 

 

b.

8

 

 

 

 

 

 

c.

9

 

 

 

 

 

 

d.

10

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. What is your ideal vacation destination?

a. Club Fubar, a super exclusive techno club underneath the Antarctic desert

b. A Most Dangerous Game reenactment

c. Purgatory

d. Microsoft HoloLens

 

Results:

Mostly a – Your dedication to being “cultured” bums people out, and is, frankly, not American in the slightest. You’ve been reported to the IRS, and your citizenship will be revoked in the next 90 days.

Mostly b- I don’t know if it gets more American than you. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.

Mostly c- Here’s your 50 bucks. You can leave now.

Mostly d- Silly millennial, this quiz ain’t for kids.

Did you skim over the quiz and go straight to the answers? Then you, my friend, are the most American of all.

 

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