How to diversify your fruit portfolio

By Erin Hartmann

1. Buy plastic, decorative fruit Nothing says “I’m cultured” like decorating your house with fake exotic fruits that are begging to be asked about.

2. Make friends with people in rural, exotic locations While you’re out ‘helping people’ on your medical brigade strip, stop by the local market where the word “pesticides” doesn’t exist. It’s here that you will truly find a worm in your apple gem.

3. Pay out the ass at Whole Foods for a rambutan To prove to your roommates that you are indeed superior, spend that birthday money on a trip to the produce department of Whole Foods. Coming back with a package of ostentatious Gooseberries in your reusable tote bag will solidify the fact that you are better for the environment, better at fruiting, and better than them.

4. Genetically engineer existing fruits Use your CWRU degree to make headlines with your ‘banapple.’ Is it a cross between a banana and apple? Or a cross between a banana and a pineapple? Keeping it a secret will drive the curiosity, and by the time the public has figured it out, you’ll have come out with your ‘grapearine.’ Big power move.

5. Buy scented markers in fun fruity flavors In order to embrace fruits in full, you must know their scents inside and out. This includes the stereotypical artificial smells typical of candies, scratch-n-sniff stickers and of course, markers.

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