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How to prepare for Black Friday

Compiled by Kushagra Gupta

In life, it’s important to be prepared. Such words of wisdom can be of no greater importance than when applied to Black Friday. While it may not be obvious at first, the typical daily lessons a college student learns are actually applicable to the holiday of shopping. For example, getting locked out of a Residential Hall at 4 a.m. might not have seemed like a positive experience at the time. Admittedly, it may not even seem like something good right now. But what most don’t realize is that the coping strategies gained from being mistaken for a homeless criminal and getting arrested provides them with an ample skill set that can be used during Black Friday. Nonetheless, some readers might just not have the life experience needed for this intense day—in order to prepare, here are some key pieces of advice.

First and foremost, there are certain items that any shopper simply cannot go without. Take the fishing pole. Many stores stack boxes high to harass employees, customers, and any passers-by who might have a phobia of being crushed by a wall of falling cardboard. A fishing pole can be used to hook a box that’s on a high rack and swing it down, with only a slight chance of permanently maiming surrounding people. A smart shopper knows that this action is worth the risk of any minor personal injury lawsuits that could result.

A Black Friday shopper can work up an appetite clubbing other shoppers in pursuit of that perfect deal, so it’s important to bring a healthy — but convenient — snack. This year, nutritionists recommend bringing a watermelon. Watermelons have the nutrients and the water necessary to replenish the body. Additionally , they are as unlikely to be squished as they are likely to squish another object or human.

Wise shoppers will remember to bring rope to keep from losing their shopping carts. As an added bonus, by tying the rope around their waists, shoppers will no longer need to push their own carts. Recently, however, gynecologists and andrologists have warned of accidents related to this behavior . Instead, they are instructing shoppers to wear the rope around their necks instead.

It’s also important to confer on strategy with those shopping with you. These people, termed “friendlies,” should each have call-signs and be familiar with all signals that will be used while in a department store such as say, Wal-Mart, or Target . For example, if a desired item has been located and a friendly is aware that another squad mate it is searching for it on the other side of the store, it’s important to know how to communicate the strike coordinates.

First, the SEALs take out their cell phones. Next, to startle other nearby shoppers, they throw their cell phones across the room as fast as humanly possible, to their comrade. This is important because not only are the SEALs known for their strength, but also for the element of surprise. The other squad member responds with a series of steps signifying that they completely understood why a cell phone was just thrown at them.

Beginning by spreading their arms apart with palms facing outward (as if to say, “What?”) they proceed to raise their middle finger on one hand and follow up by raising the same finger the other. The true meaning of these actions is, of course, hidden from all but the members of this internationally deployed covert anti-terror force. Finally , to conclude the maneuver, the SEAL will attempt to text the person who initiated the exchange, who in turn will frantically attempt to point out that they don’t have their cell phone anymore, because they threw it. This type of exchange is common on Black Friday, and it’s important to drill one’s team in this type of work. It also wouldn’t hurt to plan to purchase a new cell phone on the day itself.

Teamwork can be especially useful for when one is forced to avoid flying debris . Simply pointing out “bogies” in the air can be the difference between a shopper sitting on a box, or a box sitting on a shopper. If the flying object appears to be human, a flying toddler for example, it’s customary to yell “hoagie” instead of “bogie.”

As a disclaimer, all shoppers should be advised that attempting to purchase a rack or checkout counter is generally frowned upon. It should also be noted that it is universally unacceptable to attempt to purchase a store employee. This reporter had to learn that the hard way in 2011.

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