Behind every soy milk latte, cappuccino or mocha, one spirit resides to share the powers of alertness as the largest CWRU house on campus. This god knows that his caffeine power renders students completely under his control, but he has never truly revealed the extent of this capability, or his motivation.
However, in an exclusive interview with The Athenian, the god himself stepped down from the heavens to share his well-kept secrets. The god, who appeared to this writer during a late night’s sleep, preferred the name “Joe,” and did not specify a last name.
Here is what Joe had to say:
Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle (JM): So, Joe—why is coffee so important to Case Western Reserve University students?
Joe: Well, really, coffee is essential to students in general. CWRU kids would rather do their homework than sleep. Plus, our spiritual powers only tend to take hold after a caffeine addiction forms. You could say it’s a form of enlightenment: to be sleep-deprived and fully dependent on the Coffee God – we are the truly superior house.
JM: How so?
Joe: It’s pretty simple. Coffee isn’t just the drink of the gods; it is a god. So when students drink coffee, it’s kind of like a little bit of us enters your mind and wakes you up. That’s how caffeine works—look it up. They drink a good cup of “Joe” whenever they order a coffee [he smirks].
JM: That’s actually pretty creepy.
Joe: It can seem that way, yes.
JM: Could you explain to me why there are three Starbucks on campus?
Joe: One just isn’t enough. Each Starbucks has something different to offer, and more and more students were attracted as each shop was built. As my powers have expanded, my venues have as well. After a lot of thought, I decided it would be best to have a coffee vendor at least every 100 feet on CWRU’s campus. Don’t forget about Coffee House, back-of-the-office Keurigs or the coffee vending machines.
JM: Enough about campus. Is there a Coffee Heaven?
Joe: Yes. If one drinks enough coffee and reaches the optimal state of wakefulness, they can catch a glimpse of the wonders this heaven offers. Pure, fast, distracted bliss. It’s truly beautiful.
JM: So, is there a Coffee Hell?
Joe: Unfortunately, there must be. It’s a dark place of alarm clocks and perpetual sleepiness. Naps are absolutely forbidden in coffee hell, and with no caffeine available to fuel you, you remain in an exhausted state for the rest of eternity.
JM: Let me get this straight… you just have to drink a lot of coffee to get into Coffee Heaven?
Joe: It’s more than that. I mean, yes, you need to be a regular coffee consumer. But think of drinking coffee as a metaphor, and what that means to your life. It goes beyond the occasional café trip or hangover cure. Coffee is a way of life. You must drink the coffee. Love the coffee. Be the coffee.