Everyone knows how high school students get drunk. “GUYS LET’S GET SCHWASTED IN MY BASEMENT.” (Cue fist pumping and giggling.)
Everyone knows how college students get drunk. “Hey, uh… it’s Friday night, no class tomorrow. Who’s up for Bengal Tiger shots?”
Everyone knows how adults older than that get drunk, but no one in college cares.
But the question on the table is this: how do professors get to their hangovers? Surely anyone who has to put up with CWRU undergrads ends their days with a glass of vodka. (Just kidding. Case students are infinitely superior to all others and surely gratify all professors here.) To find out under what circumstances and with what intensity our scholarly departments indulge in alcohol, The Athenian sent this intrepid reporter undercover.
While many music students spend any available drinking time locked in the elite CIM basement practice rooms, it turns out professors are a far cry from such immaturity. “I show up to my oboe recitals just gone enough that I can fake sobriety,” admitted one faculty member. “It helps me deal with how obnoxious it sounds.” He paused, before continuing, with a shudder, “Never stay until you’re hungover, though. The violins are hell.” A composition professor also freely confessed he’s never sober when composing—but “it’s okay because I know my grad students are drunk when they read it.”
The cognitive science department was largely a responsibly-drinking group, but one professor had a more interesting—i.e. booze-filled—story to tell. “It started when I put Kahlua in my coffee during grad school. After that, I realized it was only in my students’ best interest that I keep on showing up to class drunk! I learned to teach drunk, so I have to perform drunk,” she said. “It’s just basic CogSci. Remember, kids—if you go to class stoned, take your exam stoned.”
Speaking of which, the philosophy department, along with half the English department, proudly told this reporter they just didn’t feel the need to drink. However, on average, two lamps per office looked like they could have also passed for bongs.
The highest percentage of booze-lovers versus straight edge professors was found in the chemistry and physics department—but that should hardly be a surprise to anyone who’s had to sit through a lecture about anything with the word “quantum” in front of it.
However, while they’re not the most inebriated department, the best wasted-off-your-ass stories came out of the math faculty. All the example problems in class featuring tanks of rum aren’t hypothetical. When I stopped by, as soon as the word “alcohol” passed my lips, drinks were poured for all. One happy surprise: none of the mathematicians said a thing about numbers once they’d taken a sip of whiskey. Instead, all the talk around the table turned to bragging about the craziest places they’d found themselves waking up from after a party night. “That stupid Hangover movie was kind of like my life,” one laughed. “Only every night. And instead of Vegas, I wake up in Cleveland without my clothes.”