Jack Daniels breaks up with Coke

Written by Doug Oswald

It is the college night life scandal of the century: Jack and Coke, the iconic and ubiquitous combination of Coca-Cola Classic and the easy to drink but still serious Jack Daniel’s Whiskey, have officially broken off their long-term relationship. Has Coke, depressed from still being excluded from many northern college campuses, returned to her cocaine habits? Does this breakup have anything to do with the reported incident of Jack serving himself as part of a “whiskey sour”?

Speculation as to why the couple broke up and what directions each will be taking permeates the news at every turn, but only The Athenian can bring you the real truth straight from the mouth of a Jolly Scholar bartender that [the author] sort of met once. According to the bartender, who preferred to remain anonymous, Jim Beam (known for his nasty jealousy of Coke’s relationship with Jack) reports having seen Jack experimenting with a number of different cocktails. Although the old time rumor of a Jack and lemonade hookup has resurfaced, Jim insists that Jack has been seeing another not a simple mixer, but another lady. It seems that recently the sweet and classy, dark lips of vermouth have been too much for Jack to resist. This ‘Jack Martini’ with not one but two hard liquors is evidence that Jack trying out new options, but who can blame her—they’re both delicious and at a university with as many super-seniors as Case Western, everyone needs a stronger drink.

SOURCE (Support of Undergraduate Research and Creative Endeavors) has always looked to establish healthy levels of alcohol dependence in the young undergraduate population, and through the SOURCE department we were able to secure an exclusive interview with Coke. It seems Coke has indeed been looking to spice up her life, but swears she’s not going back to cocaine, despite widely held expectations. The sweet but crisp carbonated beverage had the following to say: “I felt as though things were getting so predictable. Night after night with the same man became so dull and stale. It felt like all the bubbles were gone.”

Asked about the recently published declining order rates, Coke confessed: “We were falling out of style. The frat guys come in and all they drink is beer and shots: I can’t get any action anymore. That’s when I saw my first Irish car bomb. It was the most magnificent splashing, curdling and chugging of Jameson, Baileys and Guinness. I could just hear my fans chanting ‘chug, chug!’ and I thought: that’s what I’ve got to do.” When asked if she’d thought of returning to her previous relationship with Rum, Coke became visibly frothy and agitated, but refused to comment on her past orders or the rocky breakup.

At press time, SOURCE had just reached Jack and the official report is that he is now changing her name to ‘Jackson’ and is thinking about spending some time alone with a graduate student who is crying over her thesis. Reports state that the student, in her only weekend outing in the past month, was spotted leaving Giant Eagle with two handles of Jack Daniel’s Whiskey and one bottle of ketchup. The student stated that her weekend plans consist of ‘drinking enough to making reading my thesis bearable and trying to not cry myself to sleep.”

Jackson was ever sympathetic and reported that he was “just trying to help this poor girl, stuck between the impossible hell of her grad school workload and the unbearably lonely life she lived when sober.”

Whether Jackson or the grad student can handle this neat, straight path is yet to be seen.

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