By: Paul Palumbo
In what can only be described as the second most baffling legal case in the history of the judicial system, a man claiming to be possessed by the spirit of Jack the Rapper has filed a lawsuit against several prominent historians for libel. Jack claims that at no point did he brutally murder anybody, and the letters sent to the police were wildly misinterpreted when they were examined decades later.
“I thought of some new lyrics, but I wasn’t really sure if they sounded good,” said Jack the [to be determined]. “So I sent them to the police, because they seemed nice and I knew for a fact the commissioner was a lover of the craft. ‘The next job I do I shall clip the lady’s ears off and send them to the police officers just for jolly…?’ That was a metaphor for how nobody listens! I was going to be the next William Knyvett, but those historians have completely twisted my words!”
The historians, led by Alfonse Derdric, claim that to accept this suit into court would be absolutely ludicrous.
“Mr. The Ripper is simply trying to fix the reputation created by his ghastly actions after a century of notoriety,” alleged Derdric by writing it down on a piece of paper and charging us $150 to read it. “This is no different from when the ghost of John Wilkes Booth claimed his assassination of Lincoln was a ‘staged performance gone horribly awry,’ or when an Ouija board contacting Gilles de Rais asserted ‘a deathbed confession cannot be considered proof that I killed over 600 peasant children.’
We asked who Gilles de Rais was, but Derdric only scoffed at us and muttered “typical,” under his breath.
Despite Derdric’s opposition, the two are scheduled to appear in court next week to determine the guilt of Jack the Rapper/Ripper, and by extension the guilt of the historians for libel. Should an unexpected verdict be reached, a new wave of altered history books are sure to send tears down penniless students’ cheeks.