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Jealousy: Turning saints into the sea

Written by Marisa Neel 

As a recently recovered jealous-aholic, I have some valuable advice to share on how being jealous of others is just a state of mind that can easily be overcome.

…But forget that. Has someone dumped you? Do you just want to make them see what they’re missing? Here’s how to make them so jealous they’ll have green monsters popping out of their ears:

1. First things first, appearance. Hit the gym and get that tone back. Get back into your shaving cycle you ignored when you were in a comfortable relationship.
2. Date their roommate. But, tread carefully here. This is a potential a WWIII-type situation.
3. Pretend you don’t eat your emotions. Pretend you’re fine with the whole situation. Show them by Instagramming your life with sepia filters. #ladieslovesepia
4. Pull a Miley and strip your way to fame.
5. Express that you could have had it all rolling in the deep, and then make bank.
6. Be adventurous and exciting.
7. Don’t try those new things if it involves half-shaving your head. You’re not Macklemore.
8. For girls: become Zooey Dechanel. Why do guys love hipster nonsense? No one knows. For guys: become a 1970s drifter/look like a Mumford and Son. Why do girls love hipster nonsense? No one knows. But one thing I will say here—don’t wear those oversized watches. It’ll look like you stole damn Big Ben.
9. Get all the new electronics. Buy the most recent iPad model. Your significant other will be impressed that you spent exorbitant amounts of money for the same exact thing that you owned, but smaller. Ladies-if you buy an Xbox One, they’ll come crawling back like no other.
10. Guys- take up Racecar driving. You won’t just make girls jealous. Half the population of the world will want to be you, and the other half will want to be with you.
11. Start listening to more James Taylor; bring out your romantic side. If they have two ears and a soul, they will come running back. If they don’t appreciate this, then they are heartless monsters and don’t deserve you.

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