CWRU police apprehended a young man earlier this week, after having received several reports of the disruption he was causing on the campus quad. The young man, who at the time called himself “Ex Dragon Slayer Ex Ninety Three” but was later discovered to be a sophomore at CWRU, was allegedly standing atop the Spitball, throwing acorns at passerby and “demanding their ear for but a moment,” as witness accounts now tell us.
“Friends and fellow countrymen” he was heard saying, “I demand your ear for but a moment. It is time to wake up from this silly dream you call college! It is time to come home to Skyrim! Our great and wonderful homeland has been invaded by dragons. Dragons!” Eyewitness accounts suggest that the disgruntled students began to form a crowd upon hearing his exclamation.
“How can you settle for this mundane and stagnant game?” the student continued. “How can you abandon a world of excitement and adventure in favor of the assignments of homework and the tests of multiple choices? How can you go each day without missing magic, without missing the warm feeling of fire in your palm?!” At this, it is reported that the self-dubbed Ex Dragon Slayer Ex Ninety Three held out the palm of his hand to show the growing crowd that it did indeed hold fire, but that no fire could be seen. Some spectators speculate that this is due to the light drizzle falling that day, though most attribute the lack of fire to the fact that the student was rather confused.
“Have you forgotten your families? Your husbands, wives and children? By leaving Skyrim for this dreary, rainy academic game, you have forsaken them. Yes, it is true that children are immortal in the land of Skyrim, and I admit that my own lovely wife, Mjoll the Lioness, is impervious to death in battle… but they still need us. Skyrim still needs us. If we do not stand between the dragons and Skyrim, with only our wit, strength and boots of fire resistance to protect us, then who will?
“Many of you are afraid, I imagine, of the old Skyrim.” the student paused to straighten his plastic helmet, then went on. “The old Skyrim which was ravaged by civil war and great evils. You need not fear, for I have vanquished that old Skyrim. I have single-handedly ended the civil war by crushing the Stormcloak rebellion. We can all agree that the Imperial Legion has a bad-ass sounding name and will thus serve our land well. I have taken control of the Dark Brotherhood, the Thieves Guild and the Companions by becoming their leader—they will bother you no more. With my mighty axe, I have dealt such a blow to the Giants of Skyrim that they were launched into the heavens and never seen again. They will bother you no more. I have hunted down all NPCs [non-player characters] with ugly faces, annoying voices or irritating dialogue, and I have hidden their bodies- they will bother you no more.
“I am not here for my sake, but for yours!” The student’s eyes teared up as his voice rose in emotional culmination. “I am not afraid of dragons. I can take a dragon out of the sky with a well-placed and heavily enchanted arrow. I can kill a dragon by shouting at it, and I can consume its soul to gain its power… which is a little strange, now that I think of it… But I digress! My point is that dragons will not kill me, but knowing that so many of you are wasting away in this lifeless, dimensionless world—that kills me. So who’s with me? Onward, to Skyrim!”
The student led the crowd from the quad to the Virtual Worlds Lab in Olin, where he quickly grew bored of Skyrim and played League of Legends until campus police arrived.