Local man added to terrorist watch list

Anastazia Vanisko


Area man Quinn Bellandi was recently placed on the terrorist watch list after years of publishing critical analyses of the capitalist system. He discovered this only after a close friend of his at the Department of Homeland Security, Jennifer Perry, could no longer ignore the sense of obligation towards Bellandi that their friendship had fostered.
Bellandi’s criticism of capitalism began with his desire to help small business owners.

“The free market is simply a tool used by the bourgeoisie to keep others from competing with them,” Bellandi said. “It’s helping monopolies take over when we should actually be focusing on our small business owners. Did you know that corporations are considered people now? Clearly this is just a small part of a much bigger conspiracy.”
Bellandi proved himself extremely vocal about this conspiracy, urging his fellow workers to fight back against their corporate oppressors.

“Nowadays people only care about profit, not each other,” he said. “Everyone is experiencing falseconsciousness, just like the bourgeoisie want. They think that they have a chance of benefitting from capitalism, but in reality they’ll never escape from the bottom.”

Perry, who has since resigned from the Department of Homeland Security, has expressed some concern at how close to the truth Bellandi really is.
“I mean, it’s true that the rich generally don’t want to share their wealth,” Perry admitted. “To have someone actively trying to help the workers and decrease the inequalities capitalism produces, though … it’s dangerous. That’s what causes revolutions.”

Bellandi was previously hoping to visit a nice socialist country and escape the trappings of capitalism for a time.
“I was thinking about visiting Cuba,” Bellandi said. “I was going to study how
they do things and bring some ideas back to the States. But now that I’m on the terrorist watch list, I’m not sure they’d let me back in.”

Bellandi admits to having trouble with people in the past who thought he
was communist. “Some people definitely think I should be on the watch list for being communist … I guess they don’t realize the difference between socialism and communism.”

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