Local milkshake stop uses last straw

Paul Palumbo

Local milkshake restaurant Milky Way became the scene of an emergency last night when the cashier realized that the sipping utensil he had just given a customer had been the last straw. When the next person in line tried to grab one from the dispenser, she was shocked and outraged to see that no such straw was waiting for her. Soon the entire line was whipped into a frenzy; people were shoved, milkshakes were carelessly waterfalled to little success and the janitor wept in the corner as the floor went from a smooth, shiny blue to a wet, lumpy amalgamation of bright colors.

“The situation got out of control unrealistically quickly,” said Jonathan Johnson, the cashier who catalyzed the unspeakable chaos. “I was like ‘Guys, seriously, they’re just straws.  We’ll buy more tomorrow.’ Then suddenly somebody shouts, ‘That’s the last straw!’ and everybody dogpiles on one poor guy.”

The “poor guy” in question was Robert Robertson, who frequents Milky Way and was in possession of the last straw when the pandemonium ensued.

“There was no way I was giving up the last straw,” Robertson told us. “Every time I go there, the other people are really unfriendly. Shoving me, pushing me, cutting in line. I love those milkshakes, but boy does that place get on my nerves. When they tried to take my straw, I thought ‘That’s it! That’s the last straw!’ and roundhoused the guy who tried to take the straw out of my drink.”

The situation deescalated when Milky Way’s owner, James Jameson, went to a local McDonald’s and begged the cashier there for some straws. Jameson soon returned to his own restaurant with 40 straws sticking out of the same drink.

Jameson has assured us that we needn’t fear this kind of anarchy again, saying, “I bought like 100,000 straws once we closed for the day. There’s no way we’ll reach the last straw ever again.”

Though Jameson seems confident, people have started bringing their own straws to the Milky Way, including some with loops and other with lights. In addition, there’s a separate business, the Straw Stop, right outside the Milky Way selling straws. It seems unlikely that there will ever be a straw-related problem again, but time will only tell when the Straw Stop has reached its last straw.

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