Reported by River Tam
69 presidents in United States history have vowed to close the prison of Guantanamo Bay—it was a loophole in the revered ideals of justice in America. But it wasn’t until last year that liberty lovers everywhere could rejoice when the island’s containment and torture facilities were finally closed. News outlets reported that, according to the Department of Homeland Security’s press release, all prisoners of the United States would henceforth receive a fair trial either on American soil “or anywhere else in the world,”.
Last week, a routine shuttle to Mars picked up some strange transmissions on its way past the moon and back to Earth. Your Athenian reporters took off in our classy journalist rockets to investigate. Soon, we discovered a new secret United States government facility occupying a small space located hundreds of miles outside the Moon Colonies. Inside were hundreds of political prisoners as well as ordinary people from foreign countries and planets.
Outside, a sign reads “Lunar Bay.”
It appears the Department of Homeland Security has found another loophole in the law. While American protests are just beginning, it may take another 69 presidents before this one is closed.