WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking study released by the US News & World Report, 62 percent of currently active American workers reported that they chose their fields purely because the respective classes would give them a better schedule. The comprehensive report, which collected data from all 243 million working Americans, came as a surprise to many in the educational world.
“When I first saw the report, I was shocked; just totally shocked,” explained U.S Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan. “But then I remembered how I took Political Science because it only required 50 credits of work, way less than like Biochemistry or English.” His feelings have been shared by many Americans.
In particular, lead investigator, Tom Pendergast, revealed to reporters that the idea for the study arose after he noticed that all 14 researchers in his New York based office chose to be statisticians because by taking Statistics 312: Basic Statistics for Science instead of Math 307: Abstract Algebra I, they totally opened up their Friday schedules.
Among the more surprising results of the study, 78 percent of doctors checked a box indicating that they chose a career in medicine because “organic chemistry sophomore year had the really easy TA and it would have been a waste to miss that opportunity.”
Not to be outdone, 85 percent of sociologists selected that they choose their careers because “the Sociology 101 professor was super nice and gave out so much extra credit.”
The implications of the study are clear to the Department of Education. In response to the recent Ebola scare, the government has ordained that all biology electives be graded a little easier so that we get some more researchers working on cures. The Department of Education is also spearheading a bold new initiative to ban all education classes before 10 p.m. in an effort to address the growing deficiency of teachers.
The study lastly reported that the remaining 38 percent of Americans chose their careers in order to get closer to someone they found attractive.