Merrick Garland getting a good vibe about new job opening

David Pendergast

WASHINGTON, DC—Hardly able to contain his excitement as he imagines serving on the United States’ highest court, federal judge and Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland reports having a “good feeling” about landing a job at the prestigious institution.

“I have great credentials, having served on the D.C. Circuit for almost a decade, and my recommendation letter was written by President Obama—a guy who’s practically a celebrity in the judicial world,” explained Garland.

Garland reports that he became aware of the position after receiving an inside tip that the previous employee had moved on to better places, leaving the seat vacant.

“My heart grew heavy when I heard the tragic news of Justice Scalia’s passing, but I knew right away that my rear end belonged on that Supreme Court seat,” said the judge, carefully scanning the line items of his résumé, wondering aloud whether gavel banging is a technical skill.

Garland also remarked that the office culture was amazing, aside from Clarence Thomas who never talks to anyone. “They go elephant riding, write dissenting opinions, and every so often they’ll all get together and push the country in the wrong direction. It’s a place where hard-workers can really thrive.”

Not leaving any details unexamined, Garland was also drawn to the job security offered by the position. “You get to serve for life, as long as you agree not to die during the term of a president from the opposite party as the one who nominated you, which is honestly quite fair.”

Speaking of postponing death, Garland predicted that the court will have some other fresh new faces pretty soon.

At press time, Garland was seen browsing the page for the position, where four reviewers had given very positive responses, four had given very negative and one seemed to go back and forth.

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