A look at what’s been happening in the news this week from Mike McKenna
Students take drastic measures after interest rate hike
After the Senate bill that would have restored student loan interest rates to 3.4 percent failed, causing rates to increase to 6.8 percent, many students have taken the only option possible and sold themselves into slavery to their banks. With the influx of labor, bank CEOs have begun to construct monuments to honor their great profits.
Bank of America’s Chief Executive Officer Brian T. Moynihan announced today that his slaves will begin work on building an exact replica of the Pyramids of Giza in their headquarter city of Charlotte, North Carolina. Stones will be loaded onto barges and floated across the Atlantic Ocean after being pulled across the interior of Africa by these indebted students. A sphinx is set to be constructed as well, and will feature the face of Moynihan.
Snowden Update: Still stuck in Moscow airport, has gained weight from Cinnabon
Exclusive photographs captured by Athenian photographers have showed that NSA fugitive Edward Snowden has gained close to 50 pounds while hiding in the international terminal of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport due to having to survive off of fast food cinnamon roll chain Cinnabon. Experts are no longer sure if Snowden will be able to make the run to an awaiting vehicle if a dangerous South American country like Bolivia grants him amnesty.
Next NASA rover to hunt dinosaurs on Mars
According to a July 10 BBC News report, the 2020 exploration rover for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration will “hunt ancient life.” Authorities for NASA have not responded to what type of dinosaurs this machine will track and kill, but experts think that Triceratops horridus would probably be the best prey.
Top paleontologists say that a group hunting techniques are the best way to bring the animal down, but since money for only one machine is available, a bazooka would make an acceptable alternative.
The current technology hurdle NASA faces is figuring out how to build a return ship for the rover, enabling it to carry a Triceratops head home so that it can be mounted in the home of NASA administrator Chris Bolden.
When asked if the Marvin the Martian would make an appearance, experts were angered by that question, noting its “ridiculousness.”
And now in sports…
Homeless drifter named Steve only person to show up to Cleveland Indians game
Despite the Cleveland Indians being in the middle of the AL central pennant race, Steve, a homeless drifter from Austin, Texas, was the only person spotted in the stands at yesterday’s Indians game, 3-0 home win over Toronto. According to Steve, not even the television announcers were present, despite being clearly aware that there was a game. That statement could not be confirmed, however, since not a soul watched Ubaldo Jimenez outduel Josh Johnson on television.
Aaron Hernandez, disgraced Patriots tight end, quickly becomes most popular guy in prison
After being charged with murdering an associate, Aaron Hernandez has quickly become popular among fellow inmates in the Massachusetts jail due to recruiting a football team which consists of the prison’s convicts. This team will take on the guards in a yearly football game; however, Hernandez and his teammates were shocked after their team manager, Caretaker, was killed in a radio bomb meant for Hernandez.
Mike is a rising biochemistry major. He enjoys the finer things in life like stuffed moose heads and watching the Green Bay Packers. He one day wishes to travel the country as a street magician.