Mike’s Madness: June 13

A look at what’s been happening in the news this week
Mike McKenna

Starbucks announces that customers can no longer smoke near any of its locations
Brand considers other changes to limit hipster rights

In an act condemned by “human rights” activists, saying that the move attempts to destroy a traditional custom of hipster culture but otherwise championed by the sane community, Starbucks will be requiring all of its customers to smoke at least 25 feet away from its stores starting Saturday. The company’s CEO, Howard Schultz, says that the change should help regain lost white collar customers. While he appreciates the hearty chuckle that he receives from reading the screen plays left on his company’s tables, Schultz says that the shift must be made to attract customers that actually have an income.
“You know I love the hipsters, but they’re really not good for much when it comes in terms of making money. I’d rather get someone’s own cash than be forced to take their parents’,” Schultz said.
Schultz also said that the ban was enacted with Starbucks’ customers’ best health in mind, believing that customer’s will “think twice about lightin’ one up” if they have to pack up their record players and take them outside.
According to analysts, Starbucks is considering continuing the health trend by banning coffee at all of its stores as well.

Olympic committee considers ferret legging for the 2020 Olympic games
British sport will sit on ballot with baseball, squash, and wrestling for possibility of joining the games

In a shocking move, the Olympic committee last week announced that for the first time, ferret legging will be on the Olympic committee’s ballot to potentially join the 2020 summer Olympic games. It will need 9 votes from the 12 committee members to be join the games’ 25 other sports.
Ferret legging has an illustrious history dating back to the 1970s. Created in Yorkshire England by bored coal miners, the game consists of athletes taking turns seeing how long they can endure having a ferret trapped in their pants. The current world record sits at five and a half hours.
England, Scotland, and Ireland are considered early favorites for capturing the gold, if ferret legging joins the Olympics as expected. The German team was considered among the best in the world, but has been banned for 10 years by the International Association of Ferret Legging from competing in any international competition after it was discovered that team members had been injecting a low grade beaver tranquilizer into their legs to give themselves a competitive edge.
Telecasted ferret legging competitions have had strong ratings in recent history, especially in 1992, when rabid ferrets were used to add some drama to the competition. That idea was scrapped the following year due to nine competitors dying of wounds sustained from the ferrets.

IRS under fire for targeting anyone who actually owes them taxes

Senate Republicans today are criticizing President Obama and his administration for the beleaguered Internal Revenue Service’s latest scandal: actually trying to collect taxes. The tea party’s leader, a plumber by the name of Joe, noted that he’s legitimately owed nearly $30,000 to the government for the past 7 years, and feels slighted that the government is trying to collect.
“Just because I’m a conservative, doesn’t mean they can take my stuff,” he said.
Plumber also believes that the IRS will next target elephants.

Mike is a rising biochemistry major. He enjoys the finer things in life like stuffed moose heads and watching the Green Bay Packers. He one day wishes to travel the country as a street magician.

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