Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle
Simba couldn’t wait to be king; now, the position is his to fill after the tragic events of Black Friday.
The Royal Family of Pride Rock fell into a financial crunch a few years ago, when prey began to recede into the jungles of Africa and away from the lions’ hunting grounds. Royal manager Zazu said, “This recession has not only affected our eating habits, but also real estate and education. No one wants to live in a depression.”
To help ease this financial burden, for the past few years King Mufasa and Queen Sarabi went Black Friday shopping to save extra money and avoid a royal government shutdown. Until this past year, Simba was too young, and had been left behind.
“We live on a giant rock. I just wanted to get out!” wailed Simba, between sobs. “I just… I just thought it would be a good way to spend some time with my dad [Mufasa]. There was no way I knew this would happen.”
Queen Sarabi stayed back at home when Mufasa and Simba left for their father-son bonding shopping trip at 4 a.m. “I thought it would be a good chance for them to spend some time together,” said the mother, “but I was so wrong.”
Once they arrived at the mall, Simba was in awe. “I didn’t know so many things existed,” he said.
Everyone was so busy bustling on their ways to the deals that they overlooked the two lions prowling in the front lobby. Mufasa headed straight for PetSmart to purchase surplus food to get through the winter; puppies were on a buy one, get one free sale. Simba followed along, mesmerized by the human world.
At one point during their exploration of the other stores, Simba halted.
A store he’d never seen, Spencers, showed off an array of hats and sex toys. Mufasa was steps away, trying to work his way to a Walmart in the bustling crowd.
Simba, still staring at the looming store, yelled out, “But what about that shadowy place?”
Mufasa replied, “That’s beyond our borders. You must never go there, Simba.”
But soon, Mufasa was carried away by a herd of shoppers, and Simba was faced with a decision: to find his father in the crowd, or fulfill his feline curiosity. “He wasn’t there anymore, and there were so many shoppers… I thought maybe there’d be something we could use in the store,” said Simba.
He was mistaken. Upon entering Spencers, heavy studded boots came crashing down around little Simba like hail in a dark storm. He dodged the human feet, eventually finding shelter on a shelf of lava lamps. Unfortunately for Simba, lava lamps were 50 percent off. Scrambling black-nailed men and women pulled the lamps off the shelf, and Simba with them. He fell down towards the ground… “I was sure that was the end.” Simba looks at his paws.
“But then my dad saved my life.”
Seeing his son struggline, Mufasa ran inside the store. Pushing away customers, the King of Pride Rock grabbed his son just before the crowd trampled him. He threw Simba outside, and that was the last time Simba saw his father alive.
The stampeding crowd dispersed as the shelves were emptied, and Simba ran back inside to find his father lumped near a display for the latest Twilight film, bloodied, bruised and, much to Simba’s dismay, dead.
Simba’s only consolation in his father’s death was a janitor who arrived shortly after the tragic event, and proceeded to mop up Mufasa’s remains while humming “The Circle of Life.”