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Nerd version of Fight Club to hold Stoning Festival

Polly Ethyl Ian Sports Writer

Monday night, on the eve of April Fools, the Case Medieval Combat Club (the reader might know them as ‘LARPers’) will celebrate the culture and history of rocks as weapons in their annual stoning festival. Stoning, they insist, has a rich and diverse heritage that deserves to be celebrated. “From being thrown by hobbits and flung with slingshots at giants to the brutal and bloody public participation executions of harlots and adulterers, there is a unique and vibrant history behind the weapon,” said an anonymous club member. He continued: “That’s what we’re here to celebrate, the violence and beauty of it all.”

The events of the day include a special rock-only battle to be held on Leutner field in the afternoon, with all students welcome as participants. If you feel lacking in experience or reluctant to participate, don’t worry. There will be both LARPers and members of the Throwback, CWRU stone-throwing club , on both the Mather quad and main quad demonstrating stone throwing and dodging techniques with random students passing-by. Club members would not confirm anything, but there are rumors that a public execution demonstration will be held at the wet-dry fountain at high-noon. “We cannot confirm or deny anything you might have heard at this point, but what we do know is that a club member has recently defected to a rival army and that there has to be some response to this treachery.” The source went on to assure that “definitely no one will die” and “the university hospitals are so close that it’s probably safe to get pretty rough with this one.”

The cautious student may choose to avoid the quads on Monday, but it is likely that any attempts to stay safe will prove futile as club members in charge of advertising will be making war-like forays into classrooms and dorm buildings to spread awareness of the event. Instead, students are asked to be prepared for bombardment on their way to classes or in their daily commutes, as this will be an intense battle.

Despite the connotations, the club insists that this is a ‘fun’ and ‘interactive’ activity. “It’s an opportunity to learn and grow as a community” said the anonymous club member, “and we think that everyone should participate.” Cider, mead, and pig roast will be provided on the Leutner field after the afternoon’s battle, free to all spectators and participants. Reports indicate that heroic stories from the day will be sung by bards at the feast and that dancers will entertain guests late into the night. When asked why the club would go to such extravagant lengths for such a festival, the club treasurer would only say, “We have to burn through our USG funds somehow. Between the food, entertainment, hospital bills and lawsuits, we’re pretty sure that we can use up the rest of our money.”

The festival, though it may be dangerous, seems to be shaping up to be a good time . Close partnerships with the University Hospitals’ Emergency Medical Services and the Nursing School will make the festival safe and fun for all participants while providing some trauma response training for the fledgling nursing students in the arts of field dressing wounds and avoiding combat on the battle field. As is appropriate on a college campus, the focus of the day’s events is education, and what is education without a little danger and blood?

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