Cleveland native and Dunkin’ Donuts gold star loyalty member Mike Holliday was recently hired by the Case Western Reserve University Police as the new part-time Greenie driver.
Since his appointment, Holliday has taken the Greenie in a radically new direction. What once was a six-stop bus route is now a far lengthier eight-stop round trip.
It was originally unclear why these additional stops included University Heights and Tower City, locations considerably far from the main CWRU campus.
“I wanted to take the opportunity to show students around the city,” Holliday explained while chomping on a Cruller from the Tower City stop.
Next on Holliday’s agenda was to add an additional stop near the Barnes and Noble bookstore on Euclid Ave.
While walking out of the bookstore with coffee cup in hand, Holliday explained that easy access to the campus bookseller is exactly what students need to succeed in the classroom.
“It’s really all about the students,” Holliday explained while stirring his Dunkaccino. “A few stops here per day can really get the juices flowin.’”
However, when 2080 Snow Road in Parma, OH was added to Holliday’s route, questions arose among his superiors. When asked what benefits this Greenie stop could provide for CWRU students, Holliday was incredulous.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Wiping glaze off his finger he added, “Sightseeing!”
While Holliday’s new direction for the Greenie was unprecedented, the real turning point came when he removed the Kelvin Smith Library, Fribley and Village Starbucks stops.
“Starbucks is disgusting,” Holliday noted, completely unprompted.
CWRU Police Chief James McAfferty seemed apprehensive about the changes at first, but agreed to come along for Greenie rides. He joined us for a brief interview after dusting powdered sugar off his uniform.
“We at the Police Department know that there is a misconception that Greenie drivers are always late,” commented Chief McAfferty. “Therefore, I’ll be joining him on his daily route, in order to avoid any stereotypes.”
In this series of unprecedented moves, it is clear that Greenie routes will never be the same again. However it is possible that one of the recently added stops will be removed from Holliday’s route. When asked, Holliday muttered something about “available only at select locations.”
Holliday was unavailable for a final comment, as he was taking a well-deserved break at his Parma location.