New campus transportation service launches

Paul Palumbo

A new service has opened on Case Western Reserve University campus that is designed for students who are sick and tired of having to walk to class all the time. The service is called “First Class Flights,” and students who pay the monthly fee have unlimited access to catapults that the business has placed all around the university.

“It’s a very simple system,” says company founder Darren Tortoa. “Students can use these giant catapults to sling themselves in the direction they need to go. We’ve set up trampolines all over campus as well, which the students will probably land on while getting to their destination much faster than using a bike or feet. As if it wasn’t fast enough, G-forces of the launch render the user completely unconscious, which means it seems even faster for the flier. It’s the best way to get around since the car!”

Results show that this service has indeed been very successful at getting students where they need to go. Of the survivors, 80 percent report they got from one end of campus to the other before they even regained consciousness. Only 60 percent of students have been admitted to the hospital with broken bones, and overall class tardiness has decreased by 90 percent. The absence rate has increased in similar numbers, but researchers inform us this is a mere coincidence.

“It’s fantastic!” claimed CWRU nursing student Debra Dent. “I’ve been getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep every morning. I don’t need to worry so much about waking up now that I can get to class almost instantly. And it’s been doing wonders for my major, too; in the past week we’ve had more people be admitted for massive, life-threatening contusions than any other week in the history of the hospital! There are so many people to learn from!”

Despite the endorsement, many people on campus have not accepted the idea of being shot out of a catapult. Common criticisms include “I just don’t like flying much,” and “You realize you’re LITERALLY killing people, right?”

“I don’t let them bother me,” says Tortoa in response to these harsh critics. “There will always be people who are too scared of progress. There will always be doubters and haters who want to stand in your way and take you down to their level. I’m not going to let them, though. I’ve designed a product that has made the world a better place, and sooner or later they’re going to have to realize that.”

For now, Tortoa’s system remains in place as he works out the various kinks and issues. With luck, such a service will become available to other colleges in the near future.

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