New Legislation: Definition of “mass shooting” changed so there are fewer mass shootings

Ann Cutlery

Contradicting the popular sentiment that Congress has done nothing to amend firearm policy in response to recent mass shootings, a political action has been taken utilizing a novel semantic approach to the problem.
In the last year, both Democrats and Republicans proposed four bills regulating gun ownership or purchase. All four failed, because much like telephone usage in rural areas, the gun debate tends to fall along party lines.
Luckily this new bill, likely due to its logical nature, has made it to the president’s desk.
The new bill proposes to change the definition of the phrase “mass shooting.” It passed through Congress earlier in the week in response to the veto of the bill that defined “mass shooting” as 15 people or more, as the number of national mass shootings was still too high.
The new definition of “mass shootings” under this bill will be “something that happens not very often but as often as statistics says it should so it is believable.” Unsurprisingly the number of mass shootings on US soil is expected to decrease to its lowest levels since the Civil War.
While there have been critics of the bill, Congress-sympathizers say that members of the House and Senate are clearly well-educated and intelligent people since they possess the intellectual confidence to propose novel ideas like this.
At this time, this bill and the previously mentioned vetoed bill are the only pieces of gun legislation to pass through America’s divided Congress. This is a clear sign that a practical action-based approach to the problem (rather than the semantic approach) is a blithering waste of time.
Among the list of proposed legislation Congress has in store, their next step appears to be to figure out a new definition for the word “president.”

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