New names for Cleveland Indians leaked

Mike McKenna

After experiencing protests against their name and incredibly racist mascot, Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians have begun searching for new team image. In an exclusive report, The Athenian obtained the top four choices for a new name and mascot for Cleveland’s baseball team.



The Cleveland Patchy Squirrels

These hearty mammals show what it’s like to be a true Clevelander. With the right mix of spunk, perseverance and down-on-their-luck appearance, these rodents will not only intimidate the opposing team but also empower the citizens of this city by winning the next championship.

Potential new mascot names include: Patches, Acorn, Nutters and Jeff.



The Cleveland Flaming Rivers

Reflecting the most iconic moment in Cleveland history, the 1969 day in which the polluted  Cuyahoga River caught fire, this mascot hopes to embrace many great moments in Cleveland to come. Plus it would lead to great chants of “Burn Rivers, Burn.”  

Potential new mascot names include: The River Monster, Gaso-lisa, Sue-wage and Donald Trump.





Annie_rocksThe Cleveland Rocks

Since the 1979 rock hit by Ian Hunter is already the de facto anthem of Cleveland, this would be the most natural fit for a new name. The song is played after most Indian wins already, so why not play up Cleveland’s winning ways? Plus it also pays homage to how our city is always under construction.  Constantly. There are torn up, rocky roads everywhere.

Potential new mascot names include: Rocky, Stoner, Granite Jeannette and Dwayne Johnson.






The Cleveland We’re Not Detroits

Finally, this is our top choice for the Indian’s new name. It’s based on Cleveland’s proudest accomplishment: not being as terrible as Detroit. Enough said. Let’s make this happen.

Potential new mascot names include: the Not-Indians, the Not-Tigers and the Okay Most Days.


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